her first lesbian sex with melissa midwest

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

So, during my third year in school (Spring '05), I had been trying to decide whether or not to graduate from college. I had enough credit to double major in government and history. But it was so early. I had not prepared for the next steps of taking graduate entrance exams, researching grad schools, applying for jobs. I was still contemplating graduating because financially it would have been optimal for my parent's situation. So I tried a few ventures, but when they failed to materialize into post-graduation plans, I made my decision not to graduate. Besides, I didn't really wanna...

Well, apparently I was the first person in the history of the University of Texas to decide NOT to graduate after they have applied for graduation. My friends found this hilarious. Who applies to graduate, and does not graduate? My college asked me to write a letter stating that I didn't want to graduate and why. I wrote it, I checked back with my adviser 4 times, and supposedly, I was all set NOT to graduate, to go for one more semester and recieve my Russian degree, cuz being in Liberal Arts its just that easy to triple/quadruple major if you choose to do so.

A few weeks ago, my parents had brought me my mail from home, but it got lost in all the disarray that is my apt. I finally found it today under a stack of books. And I opened a letter from my loaning institution only to discover to my chagrin that since I was no longer enrolled in the university my loan grace period would be ending in November, so pay up. WHAT?!?! I try to call them, but its a Sunday, and I can't talk to real people. All I can do is listen to voice recordings saying that I owe $$$ by blablabla. Ok. Fine. So, this week, on top of the other things I have to worry about, I am going to have to track down my adviser, probably write another stupid letter, apply for deferrment in the meantime, even though I never graduated, and get this straightened out.

If only I had never applied for something that I was not sure about. Its not that I don't want to make decisions in a timely fashion, its that I CANT. There are just so many choices.

A little bit of insomniatism is taking over tonight. You know when you have been super active during the day, you just cant seem to fall asleep at night. Today, I was super active.

So, I was in the state of sleep before sleep when I had this dream, well, it was more like a thought. I thought I heard my aquarium crash to the ground, and I could hear my fish all flapping about. Really strange thought. My senses are all out of kilter cuz i was sort of asleep. So I get up in a hurry, I think I can even feel the carpet wet beneath my feet. I hear it sloshing! I go into the other room, and turn on the light so I can save my fish. Well, all they need saving from currently is their murky environment because the air filter broke in the move so the water turned green. Yeah, all my fish were fine. I prolly woke them up slamming and banging to their rescue.

Back to bed, I read for a bit, currently reading women in love by d.h. lawrence, I really like it. And I turn the lights out and try to go back to sleep. zzzzzzz...

Ring Ring. Chris calls me back. We chat for a bit. But I gotta wake up early so its a rather short conversation.

ok, I lay down, Im thoroughly relaxed. The events of the day stroll through my thoughts on the way to semi-concsious being. I worked today, played tennis, ran on townlake, unpacked some more stuff (im never going to finish), took a bath, read a good book, said a prayer, I should be sleepy, right?

But one thought persists, one idea that I am trying to wrap my mind around, to figure out and reach some amount of solitude with. Am I too damned innocent for my own good? Am I completely missing the point? Do I not know everything that I should? Have I somehow been able to block parts of life so far out of my mind, that life itself does not seem real? What IS love? What is HATE? I am not dead, but I feel as if I only feel from without, not from within. I have done that before...block things out. Not just when things are unpleasant, but just when I find them to be complex or somewhat frightening. I convince myself that it simply does not exist. Its sort of a magical power I hold over myself.

I grew up sheltered. Okay. Really sheltered. I dont think I can really explain this. I completely believe we are all partially products of our environments. This is not an excuse, its simply a reasoning, we do have the power to change, but old habits die very hard. In my environment we seldom talked about some important things. I am not just talking about the birds and bees here, though we did not talk about that either. Several things, that I just wish I had known and can't really explain. I would like to think that my family didn't know with me, but I think they did, they were just protecting me, or maybe I was blocking out their warnings. I dont know why at all I remained oblivious to some things for so long. I mean, part of it is up bringing, but part of it is just me. My little sister knows so much more than I did at her age. And I am proud of her. Part of me still yearns to hide behind what I don't know. I am so scared to try Her First Lesbian Sex. I am so scared of what I dont know, and of what I do.

well, i am seriously going to try and sleep now. although i have solved very little with these thoughts now in the cold, hard, unmoving form of words. trying to communicate what i dont seem to be able to explain, even to myself. except i might have added a few more questions along the way with Melissa Midwest.

g'night. i hope everyone has a blessed evening. sleep well.